Questions in a Moment of Loss
By Lexi Ander
I'd like to thank Blak for having me on her
blog today. It is a pleasure being here. *curtsy* :)
When Blak reminded me she needed a blog
post from me, my sister and her family were visiting from Texas. I knew I
wouldn't be able to get around to creating a post until they left. When they
did I came down with a terrible head and chest cold. I was miserable and really
not able to do any writing or editing because I just wanted to crawl into bed,
pull the covers over my head and sleep my cold away.
So I was laying there, attempting to hide
from the dastardly virus, hoping I wouldn't get bronchitis and trying to figure
out what I wanted to write an article on. It's funny because I wrote dozens in
September. When October rolled around I was ecstatic that I didn't have to
write anymore because I was out of subject matter. Laying there I knew there
were dozens more topics to write about but nothing came to me.
So there I was attempting to self-edit
Striker before I sent it out to the beta readers before planning what I wanted
to write for NaNoWrMo. I chose three projects to complete. (Optimistic aren't
I?) I will write a sequel to Playing for Keeps and complete the story Fated.
Both were freebie stories donated to Good Reads M/M Romance Group for their
Love Has No Bounds Event.
Then I added a third story.
I started Soulless a little over a year
ago. I stopped at halfway for various reasons and haven't yet finished the
story. So I dusted it off, sent what I had to a Beta reader for feedback. Even
though I didn't make any notes on the plotline like I usually do, I recall
vividly what the plot was about. The Beta had a very strong opinion about one
of the plot points and the reason I called the story Soulless.
Every writer infuses something of
themselves into the stories they write. I am no different but with Soulless I
took an event and a cruel life lesson and gave it to my character, Nico.
When I was very young, no more than seven
or eight my family lived in a small cow town in the Panhandle of Texas. Before
settling there, my parents moved all over, never putting down roots. But I
needed to start school, so the summer I was five years old my parents settled.
This was in the late 70's. My Dad got a job
driving a semi cross country and we didn't see him but every couple of weeks.
Mom stayed home and took care of me and my two brothers. When you are that age
you don't know you're poor unless someone says so. I was blissfully unaware of
how destitute my family was. I was a kid. All I wanted to do was play outside
in the dirt and make friends.
I don't remember how we came to have a dog.
She was a mutt we called Penny. My brothers and I adored her. The thing was, we
couldn't afford her. One day, my dad loaded us up into the Ford put the dog in
the backseat with us and we drove to the country. I won't go into details about
what happened but needless to say we didn't come back to town with Penny.
I'm amazed sometimes when I listen to my
cousins talk about not having many memories before the age of ten. My first
recollections started at eighteen months old when my dad helped me to fly my
first kite. My head is full of memories from that point on and I cherish each
and every one of them. But what happened to Penny, that memory is one I wish
that I would forget. It still haunts me all these years later but my dad's
words afterwards changed me.
When I asked why, the answer was we
couldn't afford to feed her. Even though I did and didn't understand that
concept quite yet I accepted the answer. When I asked if I would see her in
heaven, he said no. He explained that only people go to heaven. Animals didn't
because they didn't have a soul. My dad told me what he firmly believed and being
as young as I was I took that as the gospel truth.
The way I viewed the world changed, a
certain innocence had been stolen from me. I no longer attempted to become
close to pets or animals because my heart had been broken twice when I lost
Penny. I never wanted to experience that again.
It took years and years and—my husband—to
make me question what I had been told that day. Do I still believe it?
Absolutely not. Granted, it took some time for me to discover for myself what I
believed. My dad told me 'his truth' whether or not he should've shared that
truth with me at the moment has been hotly debated.
From time to time I think about Penny, the
older I am the deeper the pain of her loss. I have a clearer understanding now than
I had back then. So I carry Penny in my heart, missing memories I didn't get to
make with her. When I started Soulless, Penny was heavy on my mind and she
became woven into the story with Nico. Much of Nico's breaking from his
father's beliefs mirrors some of the moments in my life when I searched for an
identity separate from the one given to me by my parents.
I think everyone has that one moment that
causes us to think differently, to reevaluate what we believe and why we do.
The lesson I learned from mine was to question everything and then to make up
my own mind. My dad told me what his father told him, and I imagine grandpa
told dad what his father had told him. With me, the chain was broken. What I
didn't know was that my questioning my father's belief also changed him. I've
heard him tell his grandbabies that animals go to heaven now.
Even though my dad and I are very different people, it is moments like those
that I am proud of him.
Thank you for stopping by and reading!!
Author Website: www.lexiander.com
Thank you for the sharing such a wonderful post, Lexi. And, I wish you the best, always. Blak Rayne
Purchase Link: http://www.lessthanthreepress.com/books/
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