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YELLOW SILK DREAMS

Monday, August 8, 2011

DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS


Welcome once again sweeties, to BRB! Don't mind me, the past seven days has been gruelling and I'm a tad exhausted. Anyway, I wanted to write about a subject that's close to my heart, personal experiences. No, nothing about abuse (which I staunchly advocate against) or a twisted tale about alien abduction complete with anal probing, something else that would be reflective of my life.

According to the stats I'm pretty average for the working class Canadian. I'm a white, Anglo-Saxon, protestant woman married with two point two children that lives in a middle class neighbourhood. There are two cars in my garage; Jetta and Monte Carlo, we have a cat and a thirty-six hundred square foot home on a quarter acre lot. Supposedly, the area I reside in is considered sort-of snob hill (I don't think so). To me, my house is average for the suburb. As far as my appearance, I think I'm all right, not beautiful but not ugly, attractive in my own way. Never had a problem attracting the opposite sex. My husband and I own a logistics and transport company, which is just a fancy way of saying 'trucking company'. My children are aged thirty, twenty and twelve, and I'm forty-one years of age. No I didn't give birth to my son at aged eleven you silly people! LOL He's my step-son. My husband's nine years my senior (second marriage).
 Anyway, you get the gist of what I'm saying. I'm an average women and regardless if you changed my race or religion you'd still come up with the same boring statistics. Now, I'd like you to keep that information in mind. You can tuck it away while reading the rest of this article, but make sure it's handy for future reference. My sexual preference is heterosexual, no secret there, I mean I must be if I'm married to a man...right? Okay, for the most part yes, but there have been different points in my life where I wondered if I was bi or perhaps lesbian. And here's where my thoughts stem from.

When I was six years old I had two contrasting sexual experiences. The first was a touchy-feelie situation with a twelve year old boy, a neighbour and my best friend. The other was with a girl. The first incident remained a secret but the second got me in a whole pile of trouble. A friend and school chum, I'll call Sharon, had asked to stay at my place for a sleepover. It was the normal routine. My mother asked her mother, blah, blah, blah and so, that Friday Sharon walked home with me after school. Up until that point, I new nothing of sex other than boys and girls did naughty things without their parents knowledge. What does a child really comprehend anyway? Children usually have weird and distorted misconceptions of many things in life until they mature and gain a little wisdom. We did the normal things everyone does at sleepovers. We watched a movie, ate, played with toys and talked. Then when it came time for bed, Sharon did something I'll never forget. Sharon took her panties off and bent over naked in front of me. She asked me to touch her and I refused. Then she wanted to touch me. I freaked because I knew if my mother caught us I'd be beaten to within an inch of my life. Hardcore Baptist. But at the same time I was in shock and didn't fully grasp what was going on. Remember, I was approximately six years old. Looking back at the incident with adult eyes, I realize that either Sharon was experimenting or she had definite sexual preferences already established, or something far worse was going on in her personal life that no one knew about. Sharon went home the next day. Her mother picked her up. And that night my mother received a phone call. Yep, you guessed it. Sharon told her mother I had touched her, basically molested her. I don't why she told her mother anything and, to be honest, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do recall my mother gave me shit and no matter what I said she didn't believe me. She more or less took the word of the other girl and her mother over mine. My childhood and my mother were an issue for me while growing, but that's a story for another time.
Another incident happened in high school. Again, I went to a friends house to stay over night and let's call her, Tabitha. Tabitha lived alone with her mother. From what I understood her parents had divorced during her early childhood. The strange thing, she slept with her mother in the same bed, a big, white-leather, circular waterbed. What sixteen year old girl sleeps with her mother? Trust me, that night and, Tabitha's whole life were something straight out of the Twilight Zone. Okay, so I go over and after we watched a movie, talk and share a few cigarettes I went to the bathroom. When I return Tabitha has stripped naked and she's sitting on the kitchen counter with her legs spread, giving me the whole explicit show, playing with herself and asking me to lick her. I wasn't a petite girl, five foot eight, one hundred and forty-five pounds, I worked out, was muscular and hell of a lot bigger than Tabitha. Her begging was like a midget asking a giant to stroke his cock, it wasn't going to happen. LOL And sadly, yes I did have to fight her off. The girl was unbelievably aggressive. We argued and she cried, telling me how much she loved me, how much she wanted me throughout high school. And here's me, totally F*** oblivious. Once things calmed down, I did what I normally did, I withdrew and contemplated my next move very carefully. I couldn't leave because she threatened to tell my mother we'd smoked dope and have her Rottweiler attack me. It was an uncomfortable and frightening situation to be in at sixteen. So I made up promises, I told her no one would ever know she was a lesbian and that we were still friends, I even allowed her to cuddle and kiss me on the couch. When her mother got home around midnight, I pretended like everything was great and bided my time until I could sneak out later. Not long afterwards we went to bed and you guessed it again, the three of us in the same bed with me stuck in the middle, between Tabitha and her mother. I laid there in the dark for what felt like forever, waiting until I was positive they were asleep then I inched my way off the waterbed (yeah, I know, it was tricky), slipped from the room, threw on my clothes, snuck past the sleeping dog in the back coatroom and out the front door. It took me two hours to walk home in the pitch black. And the look on my mother's face when she answered the door at four in the morning was nothing short of concerned bewilderment. She wanted to know what happened but I refused to say. To this day she still doesn't know, though it's bothered her and she's repeatedly asked. Tabitha and I never spoke again. Too weird for me.
I've had women rub against me in bars, I've even had a few attempt to kiss me and several friends come on to me. One asked me to dance, told me I was beautiful and she really wanted to try sex. Another friend confessed she loved me and was devastated when I met my husband (second). A pair of my first husband's friends, lesbians in a relationship together, the one told me if she wasn't with her significant other, she'd ask me out. Another lady, a construction worker, used to come into the cafe where I worked (years ago) and, she always gave me a five dollar tip then she asked me out to dinner. When I told her I had a husband, kids and flashed my wedding rings, her reaction - extremely upset. I felt awful.
I don't know what it is and I don't know why all these women have tried to pick me up. What is the attraction? I've questioned myself repeatedly. Is it the forbidden fruit? Do I give off the wrong vibes? My personal perspective... I can be very masculine, sort of a Tomboy, but equally as feminine. I have a lower voice (I've been told sultry voice) and aggressive persona, maybe some women find a larger, stronger woman like myself more appealing. Have I ever had sexual thoughts about women and, I have to confess, yes. I think it's natural when you've been approached by others of the same sex and if you do find them physically attractive you're bound to feel something. The construction worker was very pretty; I actually stopped while talking to her and pictured her naked. I know sexually I could easily please another female. But it's whether I really want to or not. Deep down I love men and I've never felt a strong enough urge for the same sex, but that doesn't mean I couldn't take a female partner. In my eyes, love doesn't discriminate. Now you know why I added all the hot pics! LOL What do you think?

Thanks for reading sweeties, just some odd thoughts for the day.
Happy yaoi hunting!
Blak Rayne

2 comments:

  1. Hi There :) Well, I think most of us are bi to some degree. As to why so many women seem to hit on you, could be the same reason so many gay guys hit on my husband. I think it's more about his personality (could be the long blond hair, too), but he's pretty straight--after all, he married me! But he's got a very warm, loving personality and doesn't discriminate against anyone. I bet you have the same personality, and women might have confused that with you being interested in them. And I'm with you on love not discriminating :-D Totally agree!

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  2. Thanks so much, Scarlett. Maybe you're right. I never considered that perspective. I do try to be friendly with everyone and I will always offer a helping hand. I don't like to see anyone in need. I'm not sure if it's the motherly instincts or just personality.

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